Guilt is an overpowering and complicated emotion; however, it does appear to have a purpose in the life of human beings. When knowing we’ve done something wrong, by all means, we should experience at least a modicum of shame. But, if you were a caregiver there will be times when memories filled with unwarranted waves of guilt that will wash right over you. There doesn’t have to have been any wrong doing occur to cause this. The reason is simply that you cared so deeply that you never felt adequate enough in executing this role.
Looking back, here’s a possible scenario: someone you trust offers to stay with your loved one so you can get out and do something on your own—for instance, get a long overdue haircut. After leaving copious notes with this kind friend, you drive off smiling, but that smile soon fades as you’re already a bit uneasy. Arriving at your destination you practically jump into the salon chair, but beads of sweat from anxiety are already beginning to form on your forehead. You try but you just can’t relax. You’re sure something bad has happened while you are away, you just sense it. (There’s no relaxing on this visit. You even leave with your hair wet in order to get home sooner!) Jumping in the car you floor it, car and heart racing. As you finally skid into the driveway you literally burst through the door and, most likely, find everything quiet and just fine. Feeling a bit foolish, you realize that, instead of taking advantage of the rare and well deserved respite break, you have, instead, wasted this valuable time in a state of agitation. Even after you find, to your relief, that all is well, you begin to experience the guilt monster. “I never should have left in the first place! What was I thinking?” Does this sound familiar?
Let’s look at another example. Your mother has dementia. She calls you as you eat your breakfast because she just wants to talk with you. She says the sound of your voice is comforting to her, but because she suffers from dementia she forgets that you’ve already spoken that morning. She begins to call you every ten minutes and by the fourth phone call and seeing it’s her number on your caller ID, you elect not to answer. Get ready as, within minutes, guilt will be swirling around you. Soon panic grips your heart and the next thing you know you’re breaking speed limits driving to her house to make sure everything is okay.
And then there’s always that “little white lie.” You may be visiting your loved one at his or her adult living facility or the hospital. You need to be at work in a couple of hours, but you like to have at least one hour to yourself before you begin your shift. Suddenly you find yourself saying, “My boss asked if I could come in early today so I’m going to have to leave now.” Meanwhile, throughout your whole work shift, you once again feel guilt doing somersaults in your stomach.
Take my word for it, there’s not a caregiver out there that doesn’t worry about whether or not the job he or she is doing or has done is good enough.
Even after our loved ones die we will beat ourselves up, wondering whether or not there was something more we could have done for them. The self-reproach that caregivers endure is, unfortunately, simply a segment of human nature. If you aren’t sure, please go to a caregiver’s support group and pose the question regarding this. I already have so I know the answer; they will tell you that they, too, are experiencing or have experienced the exact same feelings. All caregivers face the same unattainable goal of sparing their loved ones the pain that comes with any disease. Everyone’s desire is to provide a peaceful passing. Deep inside, we all believe that we are, to some degree, responsible for what happens to our stricken loved ones in the end. Sadly, some endings can be downright cruel, not only to the ones afflicted with the disease but also to those that must witness their perishing. Caregivers, meanwhile, get hit with a double-whammy. While trying to wade through all the sadness and grief, they get swept away by a pronounced tide of self-condemnation.
Do take heart, however. This guilt-trip will slowly start to fade, finally leaving you with just the normal amount of grief, which is bad enough.
With the death of your loved one, life has just spun around 180 degrees. All of the on-the-job-training seems to have been wasted now as there is no longer anyone to practice it on. That grueling roller coaster ride has just stopped on a dime! It’s almost as if you have to learn to breathe all over again.
Do not beat up on yourself. Instead, focus on all the positive things you successfully accomplished along the way. Think of the better quality of life you singlehandedly brought to your loved one.
The good memories, those are what you need to stay focused on. If you can make those override the mind’s eye view of the ending period, it will help you to get through the grieving process.